hi. well, let’s cut to the chase… i’ve been on an unintended but contemplated yet unplanned blogging hiatus. my last solid post was just about 2.5 months ago. that certainly escalated quickly. i’ve been a blogger in some shape or form for just over 5 years. (that makes me somewhat of a golden girl in blog years) i started it with no goal in mind, it was my outlet, my story, my little corner of the internet. it was fun and it was my happy place. i didn’t care about how many readers i had, how many views i got, how fancy my pictures were or how often i posted.
in the past year or so i began to have my eyes opened to another side of blogging – the more serious, businessy yet unconventional at times, entrepreneurial and sometimes junior high school-esk sort of blogging. i became aware of how much work people put into their blogs, how many views they get, the brands they get to work with, the fancy layouts and the great collaborations, and all the likes. it was great (for a bit) because it motivated me to work towards moving forward with full force on my blog and tidy up my little corner in the internet. but then i started to play the comparison game. and feeling bad about myself when i didn’t post enough, when i didn’t get a lot of views or comments, when my pictures didn’t look as good as someone else’s, when i wasn’t as witty or clever or as good at wordsmithing as they were. and that mindset gives you a pass to skip right ahead into the dark place. it’s easy to say, “don’t compare yourself to others” and other similar sayings – hell, i’m quite certain i’ve posted things like that before. probably trying to convince myself. but it is hard. comparison isn’t terrible if you can keep yourself in check and use it as a motivator, but the second it becomes paralyzing it’s useless. part of it comes with my personality, my obsessive compulsive personality disorder and need for “perfection” didn’t help my comparison game. i started to question my purpose of blogging, wonder if i was good at it at all, seek to find my voice, feel that i couldn’t do anything until i got head shots and a logo and a fancy newly designed site. (aka excuses)
i had gotten on a bit of a roll of posting. i’d found my groove, if you will. at the beginning of the year i’d tossed around the idea of taking a break during the month of february. give myself a planned break to focus on life. i have a lot on my plate this year, not the least of which is planning a wedding, 3 confirmed speaking engagements, planning a conference for 1000, training for a half marathon, renovating and decorating our house, oodles of traveling. you know, that sort of thing. my anxiety started to get out of control. the sense of perpetual overwhelm never seemed to escape me. panic attacks occurred more frequently. my self-esteem stooped down to a level that i hadn’t been in since high school. and suddenly one week, two weeks, 2 months, 2.5 months passed and my blog remained untouched and started to gather some cobwebs.
i’m ok that i had to take a break. i needed it. and still need it, i think. i need to take care of myself. i need to find a way to deal this anxiety in a healthy way, stop being a bully to myself, and somehow some way i’m determined to find my secret sauce that will allow me to relax. and so, i’m not sure how much more of a break i will take before i get back into the swing of things. my schedule and stressors certainly aren’t going to get any less for the next 5 or so months. but i miss blogging. i miss the community that i’ve begun to foster through blogging, twitter chats, etc. part of my reason for blogging is that i believe we all have a story worth telling and i’ve missed sharing mine. which is truthfully fantastic news, because it reaffirms that i blog because i enjoy it. and that’s a perfect reason to do it.
i will be back, the blogging world needs this sassy, classy and a little smart assy lady in it. thank you for being there when i’m ready.