you’ll always be my baby

you'll always be my baby

good evening, fine folks. pardon my absence (again) and (again). lots of life going on right now. big things. exciting things. stressful things. i miss my blog. i miss sharing my story. i’ve got to catch you up on the wedding, the new house, dealing with my anxiety, etc. but for tonight, a love story of a girl and her pup.

[b] is traveling abroad for the next couple of weeks. (have i mentioned before that he has a blog, too? check it out here) which really bums me out. he’s my other half. my source of strength. my reminder that things will be ok. which i’ve needed a lot lately. thanks to the wonders of technology and FaceTime, i get to communicate with him quite a bit, which makes it easier. but what helps even more is having starksthepup. he’s my baby and my favorite non-human. i love him more than i ever could have imagined. even at the times when he’s being a lunatic; like when he runs through the screen door, or won’t stop pacing around, and when we go for a walk and he has to stop and either smell or pee on EVERYTHING, or when he does that high pitch whining noise in the car… even with all those things he makes my heart full every day. every morning when i wake up he is snuggling right next to me (sometimes with his face IN my face – that’s precious) and when i come home from work he is thrilled just to see me. and wants nothing more than to have his belly rubbed and play ball. and eat treats, too of course.

tonight we went on a 2 mile run (more like a jog, let’s be honest) and came back home and played ball in the backyard for almost an hour. and for that hour i wasn’t thinking about anything, or worried about anything, or sad about anything, or anxious about anything. i was happy. that pup is my baby. and he’s the cutest, smartest, more adorable pup you ever did meet. thanks for being there for me, pup, physically at least – because seriously you make the worst guard dog ever. thank goodness you’re cute.

[want more from starksthepup? be sure to follow me on instagram and follow him on Twitter – @starksthepup]

#starksthepup

#starksthepup

Photo Oct 15, 5 25 43 PM

#starksthepup

#starksthepup

#starksthepup

Advertisements

the story of my #realbloggerbeauty

#realbloggerbeauty

when i read Maya of Charmingly Styled‘s post on #realbloggerbeauty, i instantly knew it was something i wanted to be part of. i have been in the blogging world for over four years and it is a fabulous community of people. through blogging i have met people from all over that i never would have known. and they are truly lovely people who have real stories, real issues, real talent, real passion, real insecurities. and most of the time are really down to earth. but it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. most of the bloggers i read and interact with are women. and ladies, we can be downright mean. and with all the different social media outlets we now have a growing list of places to compare ourselves to each other. blog envy is a real thing.

it’s hard to see these blogs that every single post seems are so perfectly written, outfits every day that like they belong in a magazine, pictures of bagels that look like art, an instagram of the sky that gets thousands of likes, a blog post that gets hundreds of comments… it’s tough not to compare. it’s hard not to base part of your self-esteem off of how many likes, favorites, retweets, comments and follows you get. none of us can deny the instant gratification of an instagram picture rollin’ in the likes. or that we question how good a post was if nobody comments on it. i love being a blogger; and as a lifestyle blogger my blog is all about me and my story. but it’s very scary to put yourself out there in the world. for all to read. and judge. but if one person can read my story and say, “me too” or “i’m not alone” than that right there is something special. well here i am. sharing a story, my story, one that i’ve not told you before. but thanks to #realbloggerbeauty i am proud to share what makes me beautifully imperfect.

a dear friend once said, having a mental illness is like being part of a really cool club with a really shitty initiation process. which is so true. there are so many people who struggle with mental illness of some sort but the social stigma around talking about mental illness is strong. through blogging and social media connecting people with the same struggles, the stigma is losing strength, but it’s still there. and through #realbloggerbeauty i want to break the silence. i have dealt with depression, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and anxiety since i was 17. throughout the years i have learned a lot about myself. and while i wouldn’t wish my mental illness on anyone, it is part of who i am. and i’m still learning to be ok with that.

depression

the majority of my junior year of high school was spent in tears, feeling left out, not good enough, not cool or pretty enough. i was losing interest in things that at one time i had enjoyed, was extremely irritable and constantly sad. i didn’t have many friends. at first, i thought it was just part of being a teenager. but my mom saw something deeper was wrong. i’m so thankful she did, because as difficult as the road that followed was, i couldn’t imagine going through it without help. after a visit with a psychologist/ psychiatrist it was determined that i had clinical depression. aka depression. and i started on a continuing journey of therapy, medication and learning how to be stronger than my mental illness.

one of the hardest parts of dealing with depression is pretending that you are happy. it’s truly exhausting. the fake smiles, small talk, the constant burning desire to just run away and cry. after an extended period of social interaction, i would be wiped. emotionally, and mentally spent. it’s hard to pretend that you’re ok, when you aren’t. but when people ask you how you are, you just say fine. because it’s not worth it to say how you really feel. it’d be too hard to explain and quite often people aren’t sure how to react when you say you struggle with mental illness. more often than not they say something that is supposed to be supportive but comes off hurtful. like, “oh you don’t look depressed. yes, i’m sorry. i forgot to carry my literal dark cloud around with me today.” and we are getting to overuse the word now, depressed, that it’s thought of just meaning to be sad. but it’s this overwhelming feeling of nothing and everything; wanting to cry for hours about nothing; just having a conversation with someone feels like a chore; telling everyone you want to be alone, but secretly praying they will come and ask if you are ok; feeling like it will never be better. and the scariest part? finding comfort in that. because you would rather be certain that you are miserable, than risk being happy.

fast forward to last summer. i loved school and knew i wanted to get my MBA. i thought it would be a great time to start; had a few years of work experience, minimal responsibilities, it would be great. i applied and was accepted and i was ecstatic. i couldn’t wait to start learning again. after my first class i was feeling great. and then suddenly i was in Indianapolis at a conference sobbing in my hotel room trying to write my first paper. i couldn’t do it. i didn’t know how to write a paper anymore. i didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words. everything i wrote i instantly deleted. it wasn’t good enough. i was up until the final hour but i finished it. i thought (wished/hoped/prayed) that it was simply because it was the first one. the next one would be better. i wish that was the case. and i could say that i would be graduating in the spring – but this story has a different ending. school became paralyzing for me. i had a physical reaction to working on a paper. i would get extremely panicky, short of breath, unable to focus, i quite literally couldn’t write a paper. i just started sobbing. i couldn’t write anything because in my head it wasn’t perfect. and it had to be perfect. it had to live up to my extremely high standards. and if it couldn’t be perfect, then it couldn’t be done at all.

brene brown

i thought i could “battle” my way through. i really wanted to be back in school. i didn’t want to quit. but the week that followed was even worse than the one before. and when i found myself practically running away from my computer cowering in the corner having a panic attack… i knew i couldn’t continue like this. it wasn’t healthy. and sometimes knowing when to stop it better than trying to keep going. and before i even finished my first class, i had to leave graduate school. i couldn’t understand what had happened to me. and after talking with my psychologist i started to learn about obsessive compulsive personality disorder (ocpd). being able to call it by name, makes it somehow more bearable. and reassures you that other people out there feel like you. i am not alone. that feeling of being unable to complete a task due to perfectionism? that feeling that i have to abide by rules, lists and a schedule? unable to be flexible and the feeling that either it’s going to work out or be utter disaster? i’m not the only one. what is ocpd? it’s a gift that needs a little grace.

i’m my worst critic. i never feel good enough. and i still have anxiety and lay awake at night because i can’t calm my thoughts, or feel sad just because that’s how i woke up that day, or unable to write a blog post such as this because i’m afraid it won’t be perfect. and that’s something i will continue to work on. and thanks to my mom and dad, my friends, starks the pup and my incredible fiance, it’s getting easier. and thanks to them i’m reminded how far i’ve come. no apologies, no regrets, no excuses – this is my story. i have depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive personality disorder, i take medication, i see a psychologist, i have meltdowns, and panic attacks, i live in fear of perfectionism and that’s my #realbloggerbeauty

note: first, thank you for making it this far down. i know this was a bit of a novel. but this is one of my stories i’ve wanted to share for some time now. it’s hard to put how i feel into words, so that you for bearing with me as it’s a little choppy. if you struggle with mental illness, i hope this brought you some comfort of “me too” and i’d love to hear your story. xoxo emma

pomp & circumstance

Carter's High School Graduation

i truly cannot believe that a week ago today my baby brother graduated from high school. it felt like we were always talking about “where do you think you’ll be when Carter graduates?” or “I wonder what Carter will be like when he gets older” and now here we are. the final Dahl kid is done with high school. 3 short months away from starting the next chapter of his life at Bethany Lutheran in Mankato. a college student. it all just doesn’t seem real. i’m rather proud of myself, because i didn’t cry throughout the festivities. i’m sure i’ll be a bundle of emotions when we take him to college though. but it just all feels surreal. watching him wear his cap & gown and walk across that stage… i just felt proud.

i have gotten to be there and help him through most of life’s biggest moments so far. i remember learning how to rock him and give him a bottle; and sitting him on my lap and reading to him for hours; taking him shopping for school clothes; talking to him about relationships; helping him pick out his outfits; driving with him with he had his permit; being there to hear him vent and (i hope) help him through the not so great times; and all of the fun things these past few months with his senior year. i’ve not only gotten to watch him grow up, but i was part of helping him grow up. i couldn’t be more proud of the guy he is today. and i am so excited to see what the future holds for him.

i am so proud of you, young pup. you are a smart, annoying, smart ass, confident, funny, kind hearted, sweet and wonderful guy. i’m so blessed to call you my brother. (most days) i love you so very much!

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation

Carter's High School Graduation